Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Bye, Mom...Hi,Mom.

I'm still here. With my Mama sitting next to me, eyes-rolling,impatient with my sloth--a numbing laziness born by the full weight of long-term procrastination. "Write, write, write! Get on with it!" She is not going to let up until I write something. So here we go. 

It has been a few years since I touched this blog. Years full of Mom. Difficult, stubborn, challenging, passionate, independent, willful, sensitive, silly, smart, and hilarious Mom. No matter how much I tried to not let my mother's care define me, it did. And what I used to feel was a frustrating weakness--being unable to protect my world from being stretched and crumpled and torn and weathered by the Alice-in-Wonderland hell ride down the rabbit hole of Dementia---gave me some of the sweetest, most treasured gifts of my life. Didn't see that coming, believe me.

Mom has passed "from this life to more life". And you cannot really see and hear her sitting here. But I assure you that I do...with the eyes and ears I never knew existed in my heart. I grew new parts. She lives in me at a cellular level. And that surging connection in my DNA lets me know I will never lose her.

In her dying, she came back to me. Finally the words about needing to lose something in order to find it make perfect sense to me. In dying, my mom--in her spiritually completed new form--has come to live fully in my heart and head with an unconditional love that is no longer tethered by the constraints and compromises of human life. 

And she has never been understated or shy about speaking her mind and getting her way. So I guess I'm going to have to write again. Apparently she  thinks there are things I need to say. We'll see.