Monday, September 21, 2009

Things I've learned about being 50...or so...

Two one way signs pointing to opposite directions
  • Those "Over the Hill" cards that were funny when you turned 30 or 40 aren't funny anymore. Give me something sappy that makes me cry. Which is easy when you're hormonal.
  • Ditto for funny gifts containing hemorrhoid ointments, wrinkle creams (sometimes the same thing), laxatives....They are now considered "Care Packages" and taken seriously.
  • Your face reveals whether you've smiled or frowned more in your life. I like to think there is still time to reverse the trend.
  • If you manage to get to sleep and stay asleep at night, God forbid anyone wake you for any reason. I mean that literally. God, please forbid it.
  • You have little patience for people who seem to think they know everything because the older you get the more evident it is we know very little.
  • You don't care what people think of you. Unless they criticize you.
  • Facial skin becomes magnetic...food particles cling to it for long after the meal is finished.
  • You realize you chew with your front teeth. How else could salad get lodged right there in front? You probably don't even need those molars your dentist is so anxious to crown (no coincidence his 4th child is going off to college either.)
  • As a result of the above, everyone needs a meal buddy to check 'em out after meals and make sure we won't go off into the world to humiliate ourselves.
  • You can still learn new things! But the learning curve is much longer, steeper, and more painful.
  • The job you always wanted doesn't exist anymore.
  • About the same time you realize your own limitations you also realize that God (all that is Good) is limitless.
  • Your hairdresser suggests "lowlights" instead of "highlights".
  • The clothes at Chico's start looking cuter.
  • You wonder why people sneer at "mom jeans." I mean, I AM a mom. What the heck?
  • Your kids wince when you talk about your thongs (and you're talking about footwear.)
  • They also wince when you tell them you just hooked up with an old friend. I mean, when did hooked up get to mean something sketchy? Who hijacked our language?
  • It's easier to forgive and forget than to hold a grudge, because, well, grudge-holding requires more memory capacity than you have to spare.
  • It's a good idea to gravitate toward people with happy attitudes because attitudes are contagious.
  • Open minds are far more interesting than closed ones.
  • Tolerance for arrogance goes out the window. By this time you realize that arrogant people are too nearsighted to take seriously anyway. It's just another form of vision impairment.
  • It feels a lot better to laugh than to...well, do just about anything.
  • You don't mind that extra 10 lbs anymore because it fills in some wrinkles. And, besides, all clothes are pretty stretchy these days.
  • You notice that most people who live to be really old admit to having a cocktail every night for decades. And you embrace the wisdom of the elderly and drink from the fountain of youth daily at 6:00 p.m. Because it's important to take care of yourself.
  • You forget what you were going to do when the kids got older. Heck, you forget what you were going to do after lunch.
  • You overhear two young moms planning a class party with complicated spreadsheets and timelines and think to yourself, "Hey, ladies, get a LIFE!" Then you go home and spend all day blogging about it. hmmm ;-)
OK, now, get back to work. You have a life. :-)

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